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Paintings: Vladimir Kush |
I was like a machine that had to move and go somewhere. I
felt like I was not in control of anything within me, so you might say that I
was spinning. My head was spinning, and I was praying that in some way I can get
control of my consciousness or unconsciousness for that matter.
At that point I was certain that I can’t even multiply two
by two, or if I could I won’t be able to give an answer that would equal four.
The answer at that moment was something more like twelve or eighteen.
That was possible, and I was almost certain that everyone
knew what I meant! Those mysterious moments in our lives when 2X2 does not equal
4, that’s were I was!
I wished that my state of being would change, and that I
became more centered but the more I thought about it the more certain I became
that this would be my state for awhile. I took a book, and looked through the
pages. I was pretty certain that I couldn’t understand what it said!
Next, I thought the best thing would be a phone call to my
mom, since I never knew what I was talking about when I talked to her. It was
always about her, so it didn’t matter where my consciousness was or what I was
thinking/not thinking.
I saw the moon and realized that I was not a little girl
anymore. I wasn’t even sure of that! So, I could have been!
My center of reality had shifted and for a second I decided
to blame everything on the earthquake in Japan. Why not? How many times in our
lives can we really come up with an answer to a problem that could be probable?
Here I was! One lucky ducky!
Then, I paused for a second, and realized that I had been
finding myself in this peculiar mode quiet often recently. I saw that I had been jumping from one hole and falling straight in to another.
In other words, I had been digging different graves for myself without really
burying anyone in it.
I had this weird tendency for staying put, and not giving in
to any form of a struggle. It was dark now, and as such I decided it was time
to get in touch with my inner self. I was under the impression that if all
around me was dark I could focus. I might have found the inner me, which I was searching
for. I had left that inner me, somewhere in the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and
Santa Monica Blvd.
It was at that moment when I realized that I might have had
a different and unique inner me, traveling the streets of ......... I quickly
dismissed that idea, it totally seemed crazy and without foundation. In any
case, I didn’t remember that me. I had hid and buried it somewhere far, far
away in my soul.
I was dancing, and at a split second I decided to dance even
more. It was a very strange dance where my legs where not moving and my soul
was flying. I reached the sky and at that point I realized that I had left me
there, to observe things from above. That was the safe me that didn’t need Grey
Goose, or any alcoholic beverage to be centered. I was centered up there
observing me, us, the kids down below. Looking over my mother in law and making
sure she was ok. I couldn’t fathom anything seriously wrong with her. I loved
her too much and she was sick in the hospital going through many different
tests.
I decided to jump. There was a safe haven for me to jump to.
Somewhere white fluffy and pink. I drank and laughed up there which was
somewhere close to God. I was happy there. Up there, no one expected me to cook
dinner and I wrote from day to night. I wrote and took the inner me to the biggest
party ever thrown. In that place I borrowed a dollar or two and rented red shoes
to dance. I did not even know how to dance but I started. It was a good dance which
lasted for hours and eventually I mastered the dance.
The dance told a story. A story of everything I never had
and would have wanted to have. It drew a pink line over the rainbow and at a
frozen moment in time I wished upon that one star, the very star which had the shape
of my dreams. I went there and saw for sure that clouds were not really blue.
They were orange and everything green was in fact white. I saw the colors much
clearer. There was a glass that reflected me in the mirror and there it was. Voila!!
I was happy and content there. The stars were bright and
everything was made of glass. I dreamt of becoming a butterfly. There I was a
butterfly in a big, big bubble. I did not burst that bubble. I was just happy. I was the queen of my
dream. Hey, I kissed that butterfly! That Butterfly became Nani. I flew over
the coo coo’s nest. I was really lucky that they didn’t keep me there.
P.K 2011
(After writing this piece that night our dear one was
diagnosed with cancer. She is much better now and I am
playing a happy tune.)