An Observation Story --while waiting---

Paintings: Vladimir Kush

I was like a machine that had to move and go somewhere. I felt like I was not in control of anything within me, so you might say that I was spinning. My head was spinning, and I was praying that in some way I can get control of my consciousness or unconsciousness for that matter.

At that point I was certain that I can’t even multiply two by two, or if I could I won’t be able to give an answer that would equal four. The answer at that moment was something more like twelve or eighteen.

That was possible, and I was almost certain that everyone knew what I meant! Those mysterious moments in our lives when 2X2 does not equal 4, that’s were I was!

I wished that my state of being would change, and that I became more centered but the more I thought about it the more certain I became that this would be my state for awhile. I took a book, and looked through the pages. I was pretty certain that I couldn’t understand what it said!

Next, I thought the best thing would be a phone call to my mom, since I never knew what I was talking about when I talked to her. It was always about her, so it didn’t matter where my consciousness was or what I was thinking/not thinking.

I saw the moon and realized that I was not a little girl anymore. I wasn’t even sure of that! So, I could have been!

My center of reality had shifted and for a second I decided to blame everything on the earthquake in Japan. Why not? How many times in our lives can we really come up with an answer to a problem that could be probable? Here I was! One lucky ducky!

Then, I paused for a second, and realized that I had been finding myself in this peculiar mode quiet often recently. I saw that I had been jumping from one hole and falling straight in to another. In other words, I had been digging different graves for myself without really burying anyone in it. 


 

I had this weird tendency for staying put, and not giving in to any form of a struggle. It was dark now, and as such I decided it was time to get in touch with my inner self. I was under the impression that if all around me was dark I could focus. I might have found the inner me, which I was searching for. I had left that inner me, somewhere in the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and Santa Monica Blvd.

It was at that moment when I realized that I might have had a different and unique inner me, traveling the streets of ......... I quickly dismissed that idea, it totally seemed crazy and without foundation. In any case, I didn’t remember that me. I had hid and buried it somewhere far, far away in my soul. 

I was dancing, and at a split second I decided to dance even more. It was a very strange dance where my legs where not moving and my soul was flying. I reached the sky and at that point I realized that I had left me there, to observe things from above. That was the safe me that didn’t need Grey Goose, or any alcoholic beverage to be centered. I was centered up there observing me, us, the kids down below. Looking over my mother in law and making sure she was ok. I couldn’t fathom anything seriously wrong with her. I loved her too much and she was sick in the hospital going through many different tests.

I decided to jump. There was a safe haven for me to jump to. Somewhere white fluffy and pink. I drank and laughed up there which was somewhere close to God. I was happy there. Up there, no one expected me to cook dinner and I wrote from day to night. I wrote and took the inner me to the biggest party ever thrown. In that place I borrowed a dollar or two and rented red shoes to dance. I did not even know how to dance but I started. It was a good dance which lasted for hours and eventually I mastered the dance.

The dance told a story. A story of everything I never had and would have wanted to have. It drew a pink line over the rainbow and at a frozen moment in time I wished upon that one star, the very star which had the shape of my dreams. I went there and saw for sure that clouds were not really blue. They were orange and everything green was in fact white. I saw the colors much clearer. There was a glass that reflected me in the mirror and there it was. Voila!!

I was happy and content there. The stars were bright and everything was made of glass. I dreamt of becoming a butterfly. There I was a butterfly in a big, big bubble. I did not burst that bubble.  I was just happy. I was the queen of my dream. Hey, I kissed that butterfly! That Butterfly became Nani. I flew over the coo coo’s nest. I was really lucky that they didn’t keep me there.

P.K 2011

(After writing this piece that night our dear  one was diagnosed with cancer. She is much better now and I am playing a happy tune.)